it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
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I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls