“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
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In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
2022: I can fix it
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.