“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
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Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.