I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
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If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.