ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
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I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
Here’s a meme
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be