She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
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My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*