I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
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<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.