Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
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I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Is this a threat?
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.