imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
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The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not