I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
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Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
satan: not today, microsoft teams
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??