We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
You Might Also Like
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
😂💯
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?