If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
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WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.