I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
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A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married