I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
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Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)