Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
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Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
This is amazing.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.