And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
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“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.