What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
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I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.