once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
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[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
Life cycle of cat
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
Life hack
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.