Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
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As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
I’m sure it’s fine.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
How high do the levels go?
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.