I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
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From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”