Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
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Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
File under excellent bookstore names.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.