In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
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You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO