Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
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Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.