I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
You Might Also Like
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”