ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
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*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
THE AUDACITY. 😤
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT