Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
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I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
I think this should do it.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.