I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
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i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
😅🤣😂
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.