If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
馃槜馃挩
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My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
I鈥檓 not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i鈥檇 still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we鈥檝e sent him.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don鈥檛 have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
cant wait for y鈥檃ll to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
Welcome to your 40s: you鈥檙e not exhausted that鈥檚 just your face now.
This week’s mood.