For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
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Untitled Goose Game (2019)
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
incredible text to wake up to
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]