“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
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Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
📽️movie date🎞️
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.