Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
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Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?