[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
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ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
the red hot silly peppers
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.