Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
You Might Also Like
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
How times have changed.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.