I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
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Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now