FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
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Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.