*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
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Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
Well, that should do it
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
Beauty and the Beast
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.