Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
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I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands