Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
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I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.