If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
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My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
Mad Max: Furry Road
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream