Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
You Might Also Like
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising