Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
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Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
my name if I was in the mob
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
Sheep
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.