I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
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DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”