Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
You Might Also Like
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
*checks Timeline*…
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
Legend 🤣🤣
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*