captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
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I might carry a baby with one hand.
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose