Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
You Might Also Like
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
sin harder.