When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
You Might Also Like
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*