This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
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ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
I’m sure it’s fine.
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.