“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
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You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
Its true…
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
the saddest jazz hands ever
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
Me sliding into hell like
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.