I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
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Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
also my go-to takeaway order
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
umm…
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.