Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
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“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
Not today.. 😂
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.